My Dear Damia, My Sweetheart, the Apple of My Eyes

This is the last 3D ultrasound picture that I have with me. I don't have any scanning machine, so I decided to just snap it from my lappy's cam. That's why the picture is a bit unclear.

My Dear Damia at that time was 6 months old. I remember how excited I was when I first looked at her round eyes, pointed nose, her cute 5 little fingers, her legs and not forgetting her bit-chubby cheek. Seriously can't wait to hold her and kiss her so many times. You've made me the happiest person, sayang!

However, Allah loves you more than me. Ibu believe that Allah really has a great plan for you and Ibu always pray that we will have chance to reunite again. I can't wait for that. At the time being, I will keep you very close to my heart, so that you may always listen to me, as you always did.

Ibu can't wait to get pregnant again. But, ibu not so sure will I have that chance again? Or, if I ever get pregnant again, how to go through my 6 months onward without being trauma of what has happened? :/

Dear Damia, Ibu truly apologize as I refused to look at you for the last time. The fact was, I didn't have any guts for it. To know the fact that you were dying slowly and you body were shrinking without me realizing it, already torn me apart. I admit, that somehow, I was truly naive, very careless.

As she died, her body was just 720 gm. I believe, she became smaller and her body was shrinking as she's dying. According to my mum, she got long eyelashes, red thin lips and quite thick hair. Her nose bone already fractured. Her tissues already fall into pieces and her skin also already changed colour. Not much could be seen and described. No matter how you look like, you are still the sweetest one, the apple of my eye.

Sayang Damia, di saat ibu amat terasa kehilangan kamu, dan juga kehilangan diri ibu sendiri, ibu sebenarnya di'selamat'kan oleh rahmat Allah yang Pengasih, juga keluarga dan kawan-kawan ibu yang sangat memahami. Dalam kerendahan diri ibu yang penuh dosa, ibu sangat tersentuh bila ibu mendengar lagu Asma'u Allah nyanyian Sami Yusuf. Somehow, ibu rasa, lagu tu menghubungkan kita. Ia juga menyedarkankan ibu betapa rahmat dan kekuasaan Allah itu, di luar jangkaan kita. Terasa diri ibu kerdil sekali untuk menafikan takdir yang telah Dia tetapkan untuk ibu. Lalu, ibu cuba membina benteng ketabahan walau ia jelas sekali sungguh sukar. Namun, kerana Allah itu Maha Pengasih, ibu sebenarnya lebih kuat dari yang ibu sangkakan. Lebih tenang dari apa yang mereka sangkakan. Alhamdulillah.

Sayang Damia, not a day passes by without thoughts of you.


Salam sayang duhai anakanda;
struggling ibu.